I was reading cosmo whilst on the can the other day, and it occurred to me that the horrendous advice that these people dispense might actually be taken seriously by some poor unfortunate souls.  I've taken a year-long hiatus from relationships, so I might be a little rusty, but actually I think it's given me pretty good perspective on the do's, don'ts, and definitely won'ts of dating.  The beginning of a relationship is arguably the most important.  It's the time you can ignore all the little things that will come to be extremely bothersome about the other person due to your hormones raging over the fact that you (Yes YOU!!!) are actually gettin' some.  But what if you just cut to the chase and flat out talked about the things you don't like about each other?  Those hormones will probably still have you gettin' some, it just might be a little less cuddly.  However, there are some things you should never compromise, not even if [insert object of sexual fantasy here] knocks on your door wearing nothing  but a jimmy and a smile.

5) Music

I listen to truly terrible music.  We're talking awful here.  For example, as I type this, my iTunes has just switched from Cartel to Dashboard Confessional.  Yeah, I know, and no, I don't know how I managed to lose my V-card either.  I know it's terrible, but it's what I like.  And I'm not going to ditch my long term lover, shitty indie music, for any guy that wants me to snuggle and listen to Dave Matthews.  Blech.  So, I try to be upfront, and blast Tegan and Sara the entirety of every first date, unless I don't drive, in which case I am forced to sing.

4) How You Like to Do the Diggity

Love is magical, wonderful, fuzzy, and all that shit, but let's be honest here.  If there ain't no kickin' in the kurtanging, then all the goo goo eyes and cuddlefests in the world aren't going to make up for the lack of spark.  You like it rough . . . he's the slow, passionate type.  Or you like it upside down and outside, but he likes it in the refrigerator.  Whatever.  If you can't reach some sort of mutually satisfying agreement about how you do it to it, it ain't gonna work.

3) Friends

We all have those friends.  You know the ones that try and test whatever boy you bring around to make sure that he's good enough for you.  Those roommates who habitually end up sobbing in front of whatever poor bastard you bring home, or who pay for background checks about whatever gentleman who takes you to a movie, who break into his house and go through his personal property.  They can be slightly inappropriate, perhaps embarrassing.  But you've been with them longer than whatever new dude is trying to get in your shiz, so don't become MIA just because someone is interested in your genitalia.

2) Beliefs

As a moderately religious person, I've caught a lot of flack from prospective lovers.  This is a major warning sign that this guy isn't going to respect your opinions on much else, seeing as he can't tolerate the most important views you have on something that effects only you and has NOTHING to do with him.  

1) Your Grosser Side

I drink beer in bed while eating cashews.  I pick my nose unabashedly.  You'll figure it out sometime.  Deal with it now.